Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
