I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
