Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
