Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
