I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
