the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
