take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
