You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize