I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
