I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
