Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
