You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
COCAINE IS GR8
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
