you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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