Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
