Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
