sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
