I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize