I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
