I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
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