Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
soo... how was my night?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
