dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
