I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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