my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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