My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You are the jesus of drinking
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
