dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
