You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Randomize
