I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
