i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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