I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
