someone get that fucking seahorse.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's shark week go big or go home
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
