My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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