i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
oh god was she eating orange peels again
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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