Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
