i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize