I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
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