Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
