i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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