Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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