I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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