My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
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