Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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