I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
