Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I didn't shave. On purpose
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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