she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
