im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Randomize
