He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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