Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
