mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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