Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
