so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Small penises have feelings too.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
