I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
