dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize