Jerry, you need to find god
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
