I am spending my child support on dildos
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
