i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize