my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
