i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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