Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
