I feel like abortions should bother me more
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
