Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
